Day 9. Lies.

It's day 9 and I've been cruising along the road to happiness. It's been like driving along the open road with the roof down and the breeze rushing through my hair taking my worries with it. I've had all my favourite songs playing on the stereo and no one can tell me to turn it off because this trip is just for me. I've been leaving my troubles behind. Chucking any unnecessary baggage overboard because, lets face it, who needs the extra weight and I've been feeling alive! Oh yes, this road has been smooth and clear. Up until now. Now I've run out of gas and to make things even worse, I don't know where the nearest petrol station is. B*llocks.

I have been doing so well this past week, there has been a lot of positivity. My daughter came back from her ski trip, which meant I could stop worrying that she had been caught in an avalanche and that no one would be able to find her, due to dad purchasing her a WHITE ski suit (and he got a 1st for his degree?) and I have finally picked up the guitar and learnt one song. Who cares if it only has two chords (C and D). I can sing along to it and look really cool and sexy. I have also still not had a drink or cigarette, so I'm very VERY pleased with myself. There is, however, one major problem and it's brown. It's chocolate. Yes, I have suddenly turned into a chocoholic! What the hell is going on?? If I put all of the chocolate I have consumed since entering teetotaldom, in a Sainsbury's bag - I couldn't tell you the weight - it would easily fill it. In fact it might have to be spread to two. It's disgusting and so are the tops of my legs. I MUST sort this out, this was NOT supposed to happen. See?! I've just eaten another Minstrel! I'm going to eat these and then that's it, no more. Jesus.

There's also one other road block that I need to overcome. It's much more self destructive than this sudden love I have for Minstrels, Cadbury's Fruit and Nut, Maltesers, Double Deckers, Crunchies, Ferrero Roche...You get my drift. (..er). Yes it's much worse and much more complex. It's my jealousy. There I've said it. I am a bad person because when people tell me their good news, my response is normally a lie. I lie and I say 'I am SOOOOO happy for you!' I'm not talking about things like people getting married, because I'm married now so that doesn't matter and nor am I talking about people having children because I've got children too, but that's the problem! When I want something, like a car or a house and someone else gets one, that monster rears its ugly head and I want to scream! Don't get me wrong, if someone was homeless and had been for a long time, was estranged from their family and had no one but their pet dog called Scruffy for companionship and then they won the lottery, OF COURSE I would be sooooo happy for them. That would be amazing because that person had obviously been through a lot of hardship. But if my friend won a two week all inclusive holiday to Barbados or somewhere equally exotic and had already had two holidays that year and I hadn't even had a weekend in Brighton, hell no! I'd lie in their face and say 'I'm sooo happy for you, you lucky cow!' but you know that as soon as their back was turned I'd be praying to the powers that be, that it rains the whole time and that their luggage is lost! I'm EVIL! I must change this. I must learn to believe that other people's paths in life and their good fortune does not determine mine. If my friend is lucky enough to buy a 6 bedroom detached house in beautiful countryside and have a 4x4 to drive to the nearest city for shopping sprees, how does that affect me? It doesn't! 

So with that, here is my Step 3. No more wasting energy worrying about what other people have or the one-upmanship they might think they have. I cannot control what others do or achieve, I can only control myself and how I feel.

I'm off to finish these Minstrels and get that issue out of the way.

Bye for now,

Happy Chops x