Wednesday 23 January 2013

Day 24... 9-5

Guess what? I have managed to bag two days of temporary work, starting tomorrow! I'm too excited to really think about how I feel at the moment but let me just say that obviously I'm VERY happy. That's right, Ashley George is experiencing actual happiness. I want to punch the air. High five the sky. CHEST BUMP HELEN THE RECRUITMENT CONSULTANT! It truly is a magical feeling and I'm looking to the heavens thanking God for pulling me back from the depths of despair and I have a few words to share with Him/Her/They/It.

Thank you God. You're great. I mean it. Thank you for sending me this job, I really needed that lift of the spirit and I'll do you proud, I promise. Could I just ask though, that you give me the strength to keep my Tourettes on lock down again? You know, like you did the time when I was working at the other place which was really stupidly quiet and I kept wanting to shout out 'SHIT BEFORE THE SHOVEL!!!'? Or when I got it in to my head that I was suddenly just going to stand on a table in an open plan office, full of people I didn't know? If you could I'd really appreciate it. Oh and also, could you make sure that I don't say anything stupid, like the time when I was temping at CCD Pumps and I answered the phone and said 'Gooood morning, OCD Pumps.'.... Thanks God. Thanks for listening.

Right, I'd better get to bed. See you on the other side!

Happy Chops x


Monday 21 January 2013

Day 21... Turn that frown, upside down.

On Saturday I had 3 glasses of wine and half a beer. I failed step 1.

For the past week and a bit I have been a bit REALLY moody. Everything and everyone is getting on my nerves, so I am feeling very negative which is not helping my 'Happiness' cause. I thought that perhaps I had been too hard on myself and that the decision to be teetotal was both boring and unnecessary self torture so i got stuck in and attempted to drown my sorrows. I am glad to say, all this impromptu moment of freedom did was reinforce that I had made the correct decision and that drinking and smoking is no longer on my 'to do' list. It also didn't erase the things that are making me crazy with frustration these days. I'll give you a few examples of what these are and perhaps you'll understand the severity of my problem.


  1. My children are still not listening to me - see Day 15 - Bloody Kids entry for more details.
  2. I do not have a car which means I cannot do the things I'd like to do. i.e. Run away to the circus. Running around with midgets and furry people makes much more sense to me than banging my head against a brick wall.
  3. My husband is way to positive and enthusiastic about EVERYTHING!
  4. I cannot find a job.
  5. Some recruitment consultants are suffering from delusions of superiority. 
  6. I am negative and moody.
  7. I want to hurt my husband when he breathes in an annoying manner i.e. in through the nose and out through the mouth. Try it. You'll see that when you breathe out, the tongue creates an anger inducing clicking noise as it is forced away from the roof of your mouth...? It is this which made me seriously consider coving his face with a pillow the other night. 
  8. I despise the snow. 
  9. Bus drivers have a death wish and want to take all passengers with them.
  10. I hate karma. I punched Charlie in the arm and I suffered and sprained wrist! He said it was the weakest punch he's ever received.
  11. I have realised that some people like to take what you have told them in confidence and then use it against you as a tool to make themselves feel better. Who needs enemies...
So as you can see, there are a substantial amount of annoyances I am being subjected to at the moment and those are just the tip of the iceberg. I'm well aware that this frame of mind is not exactly the most productive one to be in and I'm hoping that once I have got it all out of my system, it will go away and be replaced with love, tranquillity and progression.

Needless to say, I have not really had the time to sit and think about my good qualities this week. Being miserable is hard work you know! I did however, ask Emily what she liked about me and this is how it went.

'Emz, what do you like about me?' I tried to make it as casual sounding as possible so as not to rile her by making her think was some kind of test.
'Errrrr...' Yes? YES???? She was obviously trying to organise the many qualities that had flooded her mind. 'You're funny....You're SOMEtimes kind.'
'SOMETIMES??? What do you mean SOMETIMES??? I'm always kind! God, you're so ungrateful! Go on.'
She continued 'You can kiiind of sing, and you can kiiind of dance but you're still entertaining.... soooooo... I know! You're exactly like Rylan!!' I stood there in shock. I could not believe what I'd just heard. I looked at her and a single tear rolled down my cheek. 
'Emily. That is... the NICEST thing you have EVER said to me! I love Rylan!!' We hugged and laughed and for the next  five minutes we shared a brief interval of mutual respect and love for one and other. She is a true intellect. 

This conversation was the highlight of my week. Everything else was just annoying...
What am I saying??! Of course it wasn't the best part of my week, jeez! I found Max a nursery which he will be going to a couple of days a week. He was so excited when he saw all the children he will get to play with! I've booked a holiday and I haven't been away for two years! My husband has stood by me and listened to me rant and rave about how unfair life is and he still wants to climb into bed with me every night and tells me that everything is going to be fine! He let me have the day to myself on Saturday, made me a gorgeous dinner every night this weekend and brought me a cup of tea while I had a long soak in the tub! What am I on about, 'everything else was annoying', it's ridiculous! What an ungrateful person I am. I deserve a punch in the face! Right, that's it. No more feeling sorry for myself, I'm fighting back! Grab the bull by the horns Ashley and take him down! I'm going to get dressed, get some slap on, fight through the snow that has been sent to test me and go and meet that cow face recruitment consultant and show her what I'm made of. Lets do this.

Happy Chops x






Saturday 19 January 2013

Day 15... Bloody kids.


TUESDAY, 15 JANUARY 2013

I am doing well. I am cartwheeling everywhere that space permits and life couldn't be better. I am bouncing out of bed every day, arms wide, ready to embrace what this wonderful world has to offer me. Yes, its truly marvellous. That is apart from one thing. My kids are reeeeeeeeally getting on my nerves. That's right, you heard me. At this moment in time I cannot stand the sight of them. Quick! Call Social Services! I've just said something negative about my children and that must mean that they are living in squalor, suffering from daily beatings and are being fed through bars. Oh WAAAHHH. Get over it! I'm only saying what 99.9% of parents are thinking or have thought at some point in their parenting career. (I say career because us mum's work really bloody hard so hellooooo? Can we have a pension please or cheaper childcare so we don't have to subject ourselves to such evils on a daily basis???).

I currently have a 2 year old who insists on throwing, hitting, shouting 'NO!' to absolutely everything, wants to go on flipping trains every waking minute of every single day and thinks he owns the TV. I also have a daughter in her 'tweens'. For those of you who don't know that means, it is basically those lovely years when your gorgeous little one is no longer a gorgeous little one, nor is she/he a moaning, stomping, spotty, stinky teenager either. They are at that awkward, annoying phase where they the have the worst of both  - they think they know it all and call you on a Friday after school to ask if they can go to Costa (Yes really.) but on the other hand they wouldn't think it embarrassing one iota if they wet the bed. Seriously, my tweenager is lucky to be alive today, truth be told.. Instead of wrappingmy hands around her baby-soft neck last night, I thought it best to ring the Nut House and book myself in for this time next year when she is officially a teenager. Seriously it's the safest thing for us both. You see, we clash. I know lots of mothers are at logger heads with their daughters especially in these tween/teenage years so that makes me feel better but what really gets to me is that I know there are deeper reasons for our shouting matches and this evening while loading the washing machine with the net curtains I had scavenged frommy neighbours bin, it hit me. It's simple. She is just like me.

Here are just a few examples of our many similarities:

1. She back-chats. 

I back-chatted! I STILL back-chat. I have absolutely no filter between my brain and mouth. That's why writing is good because I can delete things that are offensive or in this case, might cause people to call Social Services on me.

2. She laughs at her own jokes.

I do this. I know it's wrong but I can't help it! I think I'm funny. And she'll say she's funny, so there you go.

3. She has absolutely NO self discipline.

Like two pea(head)'s in a pod, homework was/is our nemesis. I was only good at handing inmy homework for the first half of year 7 and after that it was all down hill. I got myboyfriend to do my Art homework for me once and my teacher said it was the best work I'd ever done! (I should also tell you that this was the same teacher who couldn't see I was buzzing off my nut after eating a massive lump of hash and believed my story that I had a bug, despite me holding his hand, telling him my heart was going to explode and that picture I had just puked on was 'raising up above the sick.' So his opinions don't really count.)

4. She is a soap dodger.

I once didn't wash for 5 days. I had however just had my heart broken and as far as I'm aware no one has put my lovely, gorgeous baby girl through that yet, so she has no bloody excuse!

5. She whistles, ALL the time!

At least once a month we have an argument over who is the better Whistler. Quite clearly it's me because I can whistle both on the out breath and the in breath, which enables me to whistle a tune with power and fluidity. We have just had a row about this and I've had to count to ten.

6. She never does what she's told.

Neither do I. There's one time in particular that sticks in my mind because it's so ridiculous and had no benefits for me whatsoever. Emily was 2 and we were on the bus. An old lady said, 'Oh isn't HE lovely?' (she was head to toe in pink!) 'Thank you I said', not wanting to offend. The next thing, Emily started to lick the window and just before the word ,'No' came out, the old lady in a horrible voice, said 'Don't let him do that! Don't let him lick that filthy window!' I looked at the old bag, who obviously thought I was a stupid teenage mum (trust me, that was the worst thing you could do to me back then) and sat back in the chair and continued to let Emily lick that discusting, dirty, condensationed up window like she was licking a 99. How was I winning???

And finally number 7. I worry that she has low self esteem.

It's this one that worries me the most and it's this which reminds me I need to succeed. I need to put behind me my failures, like having a baby way too young but mainly not having the confidence to show the world what I'm made of. Instead I gave into the sad existence of a young, single mum and would often drink myself into oblivion because that to me was easier than fighting to get what I deserved, mum or not. She needs to see that if I can do it, so can she. This is not a woe me. Far from it! And anyone else who feels that they need to get their feelings or worries out there, do it! This is really helping me! I'm going to sort this out and I'll do that by adding my next step. Over the next few days, I am going to write a list of things that I like about myself. Perhaps I can just look at Emily? She drives me mad but I love so much about her and like I said, she's just like me.

Happy Chops x

Wednesday 9 January 2013

Day 9. Lies.

It's day 9 and I've been cruising along the road to happiness. It's been like driving along the open road with the roof down and the breeze rushing through my hair taking my worries with it. I've had all my favourite songs playing on the stereo and no one can tell me to turn it off because this trip is just for me. I've been leaving my troubles behind. Chucking any unnecessary baggage overboard because, lets face it, who needs the extra weight and I've been feeling alive! Oh yes, this road has been smooth and clear. Up until now. Now I've run out of gas and to make things even worse, I don't know where the nearest petrol station is. B*llocks.

I have been doing so well this past week, there has been a lot of positivity. My daughter came back from her ski trip, which meant I could stop worrying that she had been caught in an avalanche and that no one would be able to find her, due to dad purchasing her a WHITE ski suit (and he got a 1st for his degree?) and I have finally picked up the guitar and learnt one song. Who cares if it only has two chords (C and D). I can sing along to it and look really cool and sexy. I have also still not had a drink or cigarette, so I'm very VERY pleased with myself. There is, however, one major problem and it's brown. It's chocolate. Yes, I have suddenly turned into a chocoholic! What the hell is going on?? If I put all of the chocolate I have consumed since entering teetotaldom, in a Sainsbury's bag - I couldn't tell you the weight - it would easily fill it. In fact it might have to be spread to two. It's disgusting and so are the tops of my legs. I MUST sort this out, this was NOT supposed to happen. See?! I've just eaten another Minstrel! I'm going to eat these and then that's it, no more. Jesus.

There's also one other road block that I need to overcome. It's much more self destructive than this sudden love I have for Minstrels, Cadbury's Fruit and Nut, Maltesers, Double Deckers, Crunchies, Ferrero Roche...You get my drift. (..er). Yes it's much worse and much more complex. It's my jealousy. There I've said it. I am a bad person because when people tell me their good news, my response is normally a lie. I lie and I say 'I am SOOOOO happy for you!' I'm not talking about things like people getting married, because I'm married now so that doesn't matter and nor am I talking about people having children because I've got children too, but that's the problem! When I want something, like a car or a house and someone else gets one, that monster rears its ugly head and I want to scream! Don't get me wrong, if someone was homeless and had been for a long time, was estranged from their family and had no one but their pet dog called Scruffy for companionship and then they won the lottery, OF COURSE I would be sooooo happy for them. That would be amazing because that person had obviously been through a lot of hardship. But if my friend won a two week all inclusive holiday to Barbados or somewhere equally exotic and had already had two holidays that year and I hadn't even had a weekend in Brighton, hell no! I'd lie in their face and say 'I'm sooo happy for you, you lucky cow!' but you know that as soon as their back was turned I'd be praying to the powers that be, that it rains the whole time and that their luggage is lost! I'm EVIL! I must change this. I must learn to believe that other people's paths in life and their good fortune does not determine mine. If my friend is lucky enough to buy a 6 bedroom detached house in beautiful countryside and have a 4x4 to drive to the nearest city for shopping sprees, how does that affect me? It doesn't! 

So with that, here is my Step 3. No more wasting energy worrying about what other people have or the one-upmanship they might think they have. I cannot control what others do or achieve, I can only control myself and how I feel.

I'm off to finish these Minstrels and get that issue out of the way.

Bye for now,

Happy Chops x

Saturday 5 January 2013

Day 3...


So I haven’t been able to sleep the past couple of nights, I feel rather stressed and ‘naggy’. My eyeballs hurt because my mind was on overdrive about my ‘New Life’ and they were doing that REM thing so oh how fabulous, I have another meegraine. (I know it’s ‘migraine’ but I write how I speak because I’m dyslexic and I speak it thus because it’s more fun.)
Step 1 is going well. I’ve not had a drink or a cigarette for ONE WHOLE ENTIRE WEEK *insert Mexican Wave here*, so that’s all gravy. However, this teetotal me is not without it’s drawbacks. You see, this hurts to say and i feel ashamed but here goes… I don’t really know who I am without my ‘friends’. F@ck! This is seriously deep! Before I can be truly happy, I kinda need to know that. That’s like, important information that I MUST get round to obtaining. And quickly!
To take my mind off of things, I took my son to one of those soft play areas today. He walked so nicely next to me, all the way to the bus stop. Once there, he flirted with a few old people, threatened to run in the road and play with the traffic but before long we were admiring the beautiful views on our chosen mode of transport. I swear to you, the sick on the back of that seat had splattered into the shape of Jesus’ face! – It was a very spiritual moment. Anyway, so that was all lovely and we got there and man alive it was carnage! I started to get palps instantly. I looked around at what can only be described as a scene from Lord of the Flies and realised there was no way in HELL my little, beautiful child would be subjected to such hideous animalistic voilence. I turned to get out of there fast! But then it dawned on me. I had just paid £5.10 for this! I whipped off his dinosaur print all-in-one (may their strength rub off on you Max) and threw him in to the sea of small mad people in the Ball Pit! “GOOD LUCK MY CHILD!’ I shouted after him. A woman with greying hair looked at me with a worried look on her face. It was obvious she was yet to see her offspring since practically sentencing it to death. I reached out and touched her hand and we silently prayed…
Two hours later, we emerged with a mere friction burn from the bumpy slide and nothing more. Despite the best efforts of two hideously Ralphed up 8 year olds, Max survived. When he bared his teeth and rugby tackled the taller one because he wouldn’t let him have a foam ball, i’ll admit it, I got a warm, fuzzy feeling . Almost what I would describe as happiness…
So then, Step 2…Who am I???…. If you know, then I’d be really grateful to hear from you.
Warm regards,
Happy Chops x

Wednesday 2 January 2013

Day 1 of my quest for happiness


Hello whoever may be reading this, welcome to my blog. Let's dive straight in shall we?

2012. What a sh*te year. Not enough money, MASSIVE family feuds, 2 year old son in and out of hospital due to apparent asthma and to add insult to injury, plenty of hangovers from the booze that was meant to make all of this better. Guess what? It didn't. All it did was cause me to make a complete prat of myself and fall over in several different places in a very unladylike fashion. I currently have two bruises on my legs, each displaying various colours of the rainbow and I have no recollection of how I got them. Classy. So here I am. I'm ready to sort this out. Ready to come out fighting and grab my life by the horns and what better day to start the battle than the first day of a new year? So if you please, let me introduce you to..... - drum roll please-.....in all it's glory.....my NEW, HAPPY, POSITIVE, PROSPEROUS, NON-SH*TE, LIIIIIIIIIFE!!! YEEEEEESS! *cheers, whoops, whistles ensue*.

Now what? Any ideas? No? Me neither.

This is going to be harder than it looks. Ok, I think we need to take a bit of Fraulein Maria's advice and start at the very beginning - it's a very good place to start.

Let's look at my 'Vital Statistics':

Age:32
Lives: South East London
Sex: Female and not as much as my husband would like
Marital status: Married for 3 years
Children: Daughter 12, son 2
Profession: None
Hobbies: None
Home owner: No

I can see I have three great things going for me, and of course they are my two children and my husband. I'm very pleased with them. I am. But, I am inherently unhappy and have been since I can remember. It's like a cape of unhappiness that I have chosen to wear everyday for years and have been for so long now it's almost a comfort! It's like I've been carrying around a handbag full of receipts and snotty tissues just because to go out without that bag would be too much freedom to handle. WHO KNOWS WHAT MY ARMS AND HANDS MIGHT DO IF I DID NOT HAVE THAT BAG?? 

I might start doing the YMCA or Macarena or star jumps or something as equally embarrassing! God forbid, what would people think? You can't go around doing those kinds of things just because you feel like it! Yes I know other people do all sorts of things but I am not allowed. Why not?? I don't know, just because! The same reason I didn't become the actress I always wanted to be or enjoy learning and speaking another language. It's like, who do I think I am, daring to be successful! That's something others do, not a child of 6 who grew up on the breadline and failed all of her GCSE's. Why else do I not have a career or own a home? It''s simple really. I have NO self confidence. None. Zip. Diddly-squat. 

Well, not any more! No way will I waste another minute holding myself back from doing or being what I want to be! I want a slice of the happy cake and 2013 will be the year I spread my bingo wings and fly! I shall fly without the weight of the handbag that offers me nothing but the crumbs of escapee Baby Rice Cakes and the odd one penny. LET'S DO THIS! BRING IT ON!!
Right, step 1. This body is an Alcohol Free and No Smoking Zone. DO NOT try to tempt me.
Step 2. Think of the other steps.

For however long it takes, I will document my journey and share it with however wishes to read it and comment on it. Wish me luck!

Over and Out,

Ashley