Don't they know who I am???

At last! I have a minute to myself when I'm not propping my eyes open with matchsticks and can now put fingers to keypad once more. This work malarkey is very tiring and I can safely say that last week I officially hit the brick wall of extreme exhaustion. y Wednesday, my little size 4 feet felt like lead and I almost fell asleep standing up on the packed train. That said, I am absolutely loving work and it feels so right to no longer be a stay at home mum. Phew! I made the right decision.

Anyway, lets get down to business.

Last year was a terrible year. I had some serious heartache to deal with, which is what kick started my quest for happiness. There have been enough negative things in my life, that I haven't even caused, so before I'd even started this blog, I'd already decided to stop adding to the mess and to start clearing up. Yep, there are some serious things I need to overcome. So it was either go to the doctor for some happy pills - like I'd done many years before (they did help by the way), or dig deep, and make some changes. Obviously, I've chosen the latter.

I thought I'd start off with a bang and do something big. Since leaving university I've been preventing myself from doing the one thing that makes me happiest and I know why. But before I go on, let me explain. Since I was a very small child, my excessive talking, random singing, face pulling, joke telling and general loudness have driven people (mainly teachers, close friends and family) to despair.  In basic terms, I am a loud mouth, I liked to be entertaining and I like to be noticed. Yes,  I. Am. An attention seeker. I'll give you a minute to soak this up. I mean, I've just basically served myself with the biggest cuss there is, so you might think its weird. You might think, I have just committed social suicide? After all, no one likes an attention seeker! But is this admission really a shock to anyone who knows me?? No. And who said this has to be a bad thing? My undiagnosed tourettes is taking things a bit too far I know, but I haven't asked for that! I don't enjoy looking like a prat! I don't enjoy negative attention. The kind of attention I like is the attention received is because I've made someone feel good or entertained them or given them a pleasant surprise! Anyway, it's just the way I am, I can't help it. The worst bit about this admission, is the next part that goes with it. I am the most annoying type of attention seeker. I don't mean like the type who constantly tells bad jokes and just generally irritates people (at least I hope not!) I mean I'm the worst type because I've done nothing WITH IT! And I'm about to tell you why. In simple terms, I have stage fright. That's it, STAGE. FRIGHT. Pathetic Ashley. You mean to tell me, that for all of these years, you've sat back and let that stop you? (I'm talking to myself now because I realise how f@cking stupid this is!) Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear Ashley. You know what you need? You need a punch square in your stupid little pea head, that's what you need!

Jesus, I've worked myself up here and feel dumber than I've ever felt in my whole life. Even dumber than the time I caught a throw-on in football and declared 'I thought it was netball...'! The rest of my story that I was going to tell you, was that I joined an local Amateur Dramatics group. No, don't clap me, I don't deserve it! I joined too late, so had to be the 'Prop Girl' and to add insult to injury, last week I  found out that they missed me off the email list telling everyone about the auditions for the next production and have been asked to do props AGAIN! Do you know what the funniest part of it is? That evil, Ashley-you-are-no-good-don't-succeed-don't-you-dare part of me, was GLAD! Because it gave time! Oh I really am foolish, I'm absolute JOKE!

Right, that's it. I'm going to rehearsals tonight - god it kills me to say that, when I'm not actually rehearsing anything, I'm a big fat fake -  I it is my new mission to show all of the 'real' actors that I too, have skills. I just need to think of a hard hitting way to do this....I was thinking of opening the door, walking straight past all of the familiar faces and on to the stage, they'd all be silent, because 1. I've now got a fringe I think I look better and 2. because they'd they'd know they were about to experience something special. Then I'd go full blown into a monologue. Not just any monologue, my own, self written, 1st earning, spectacular monologue that shows all of my many sides. Yeah, that would show them. That would shut them all up. Mission, accomplished. This thought genuinely had me in my 'happy place' for a good few moments. But then I remembered, I'VE GOT F@CKING STAGE FRIGHT!

Look, either way, I'm going to make them wish I was in their play. I don't know how, I don't know when. But what I do know, is I've got until June. Wish me luck...

Happy Chops x

'The One'?

I never really know how to start these posts, so I'll just get stuck in. I GOT A JOB! Again? I hear you mock. Yes, again, but this time it's reeeeeeally good and I think it could be 'The One' so that's marvellous news isn't it? Also, the other reason I haven't been able to write is I've just not had the time. But hey, stop whinging i'm here now, so sit back, relax and feel the love.

So the last you heard, I quit my mind numbingly boring, bore off it's crap and I'm making shit tea on purpose now you lazy buggers, temp but been asked to go permanent, job. I was worried about the consequences of that action and I couldn't sleep. I was so worried in fact, that I started to imagine all sorts of horrible, sweat inducing things. I had visions of waking up to find the door mat covered in manilla envelopes with 'Private and Confidential' stamped all over them, sent from various utility providers and credit card companies. Like us having to move house and me having to drive a van again and because I haven't driven in what feels like yonks and therefore running over and innocent bystander and because we wouldn't be able to stay in the area my daughter would have to travel miles and miles and light years to school. Like my emaciated children, sleeping rough on the streets begging for food and Sky TV! Honestly, it was disturbing! But then it hit me. I had done what needed to be done, if I am to really make 2013 my year. I was fighting for the little guy. Doing it for the dreamers. SOCKING IT TO THE MAN! So for the next 5 hours I did what any normal woman with not a care in the world would do and I went shopping. (Lip smackingly gorgeous French Connection coat reduced from £220 to £79?? Errrr BAG IT SISTER!)

'Helen' from the agency has not called me since I dared say I was too good to be treated like crap. It cuts to think they think badly of me but she needs to realise that I've already had my fair share of that so I really had no choice. Plus, there was a new dog in town... She had better jobs for me and actually cared about what I wanted. She called last week and said the words I desperately needed to hear - 'I have a couple of days work for you, plus an interview for a FABULOUS permanent position.' Thank God! I'd been speaking to Him/Her/It for the past few nights and this was the response! YESSSS my faith paid off.

The next day I gave myself a stern talking to in the mirror. 'You better sort this out Ashley, do you hear me? Do you want to spend another year of your life feeling like you coulda shoulda woulda??' I shook my head slightly, aware of how mad I looked. But this was serious! 'I can't hear you...?' I whispered.  'NO! NO MORE!' I was startled by the conviction in my voice but I felt strong and clear headed. 'Good girl. Now go get 'em tiger.'

That was dramatic wasn't it? Yes. It's also not at all what happened I just got a bit carried away. Really, I just got my 'interview outfit' on, popped a betablocker, and crossed my fingers and toes that I would get some kind of good feeling about the job and the people, and they might possibly want to give me a chance. Turns out I did and so did they.

The next two days were spent on a reception desk at a plush building in town. It was fine and lady I was working with kept me entertained, telling me stories about her parrot who uses the toilet. I had visions of a teeny weeny parrot sized lavatory, with a parrot precariously balancing on top of it. Claws clinging either side and it's little wings holding a little copy of the daily rag. I cried with laughter! I couldn't help feel slightly disappointed when she explained that he what she meant was, he perches on her finger and when she lifts the lid to the normal human sized loo, she says 'PLOP!' and he plops. I was there for the blink of an eye but I felt sad to leave my new Sri Lankan friend. Her energy and love for life made her nice to be around so I intend to stay in touch with her and share more laughter.

And now here I am, almost day four at my job and I think I'm going to like it. I'm loving getting up and rushing around, feeling all important and I'm starting to see that I really do have some of the qualities that my friends and family tell me I have. I'm relaxed, making friends and showing the world my new layer. God it feels good!

Signing out a less sarcastic,

Happy Chops x

p.s It's Valentine's Day tomorrow..... x

Languages spoken...

So I'm just filling out a job application and I've got a slight problem. It's asking me what languages I speak and obviously I've put down English as my first language but I've scrolled through and can't for the life of me see 'Jafaican' anywhere...

Perhaps I'll just let them know in the 'Other important information' box? Let me know your thoughts.

Cheers blads.

x

One lump or two?

Hi there. It has been a while. I have been a busy bee since my last post and have much to report so sit back, and feel my pain.

So last week I was very excited because I had two days temporary work and I haven't worked for over two years now so that was just brilliant. On my first day I awoke with a spring in my step, showered and dressed in my most suitable office attire and set off in to the unknown. One hour later, I found myself outside a depot in 'Some place near me' called 'A name that is a first name' Sykes, a place that provides things I cannot name because someone might get me into trouble. It was slightly less glamorous than I'd anticipated but I put this to the back of my mind and went in...

Things were going fine. The office team was made up of no more six people and they seemed to be like a little family, all having been there for many years. I had answered a few calls and successfully transferred them and as I was only going to be there for a couple of days, the fact it was boring didn't really bother me. But as the minutes ticked and I sat there in silence, my undiagnosed tourettes started to rear it's ugly head. Oh my god, my brain was off. 'Something' Sykes? Two first names! Oh shit, I'm going to answer the phone and say 'Good morning, Bill Sykes...'! Damn it, stop thinking Ashley! Panic took over and I needed to do something before it got too much and the phone rang again! I frantically grabbed a post-it and wrote 'SOMETHING I CANNOT SAY FOR LEGAL REASONS' SYKES' on it and stuck it to the phone. Phew! I made it. Disaster and embarrassing moment averted. I smiled to myself and swivelled on my chair feeling great appreciation for my quick thinking. SCREW YOU TOURETTES! LOSER! And with that, the day passed quite quickly and I managed to complete my first day back in the working world, unscathed.

The next day was pretty much the same really, although I was starting to notice a few things that, had I been there as a permanent member of staff, would definitely cause some issues. For example, it became apparent that these people only drank tea when I made it, and the swearing from almost everyone in the building would've given a Squaddie a run for his money! Still, no bother, with the blink of an eye, my two days were up, so I spent the weekend with my family safe in the knowledge that I was employable and definitely ready for work.

Monday afternoon brought a call from the job agency. Apparently my services were required once more for the next couple of days so was I happy to go back? Of course I was! Cha-ching!! So I arrived the following day slightly more confident as I now knew these people. For the next couple of days I got on with the job at hand and continued to make tea and go to lunch at 12 as no one else wanted this slot. Then the Big Man called me into his office and threw a curve ball! He only went and asked me if I'd like to continue working there as a temp and perhaps go permanent! Surely this was too easy?? I was unsure but agreed to 'give it go'. I would have to test these people.

Thursday morning, I entered the office with what one might describe as 'swag'. If there was a possibility of me being part of this company, I needed to know that I'd fit in. I was ready to peal off the next layer of my onion and show then what was underneath...

First things first. I needed to let them know that I was to be regarded as equal and there was only one way to do this. I refused to say the words they had  all become accustomed too, so by half past ten, not one person had had a cup of tea. That's two whole hours in to the day! It amazed me! It was fine yesterday when  I was just a faceless temp but not now I'd basically been offered a job! It was only a matter of time that my tea making skills would be required but this mental tug of war would continue another half hour or so. It was the administrator who was stupid enough to say, 'Oooh, you know what Ashley? I think everyone could do with a cup of tea...?' she smiled sweetly.
'Is that so?' I said smiling equally as sweet. 'Funny because I was actually wondering when I might be offered a cup of tea?' I raised an eyebrow so she knew I meant business. This was taking the absolute piss!
'TEA?' said one person. 'Oooh yes please!' With that, drawers were pulled open and frantic hands were searching for apparently dust covered mugs. I stood there in disbelief. Before I knew it, I'd taken a deep breath, broadened my shoulders, placed my hands on my hips and stated 'I cannot believe this. You LAZY lot. I have been waiting all morning to see if one of you would make me a cup of tea!' One by one, they hung their head in shame. I went over to collect the awaiting mugs and tutted with each retrieval. Bloody cheek of it! I reluctantly went off to make the most watery, crap, tea ever and handed them out to the sloths. First test: FAILED.

11:45. I heard mutterings of lunch talk. 'So, what's going on with lunch?' I said, with not a trace of harbouring annoyance from the tea incident.
'Well' said the oldest member of the team, 'If we cover the phones. So you go at 12 and I go at 1.'
'Errr yeah, I don't really fancy 12 today. It makes the afternoon really long you see and I've been at 12 every day, including last week so I'd rather go at one.'
She gave me the death stare. It hurt. 'Well I'm going at 1.' she replied. And with that she swivelled around on her chair and said nothing more about it. FAILED!

Now let me explain. I didn't actually care about making the tea, or about going to lunch at 12. My issue was being treated like I didn't count. If someone had offered me tea, I probably would said not to worry I'll make it. And if they had asked me what lunch I'd like, I would have said 12 to show that I'm considerate. The problem was, these people weren't like that and I'd found that out with two very easy steps. Well done Ash, pat on the back. I'd saved myself some time there.

At 1 o'clock, I asked the Big Man if I could have a few minutes of his time and being quite a nice man he agreed. I broke the news that this position was not one I would be accepting and my reasons why. 'I'm not a tea lady.' I stated. But I was however willing to cover until he found someone else and if it wasn't for the fact that they were expecting me to stay on as permanent, I wouldn't have cared! Truly. So at 4 pm I left that office and doubt very much I shall return.

Oh well, no point in pretending to something I'm not and I am definitely not a push over.

Lets see what next week brings...

Happy Chops x